eh?

i didn't know jelena jankovic was number one last week. well, i never considered maria sharapova world number one either, when she was the top player before, but that's different. i knew maria's ranking, i read news about it, i hated the fact that this woman gets to be in that position with all the shrieking she does.

justine henin (-hardenne, i miss that second last name), lindsay davenport, venus and serena williams, martina hingis: they deserve the top rank because they won tournaments and had rivals. i'm partial to lousy tennis players who earn the number one ranking because of pure luck and lousier competition. but that's just on women's tennis. i love patrick rafter, in and outside the tennis world. i was a fan of marcelo rios.

now jankovic? please. she has to learn to stop choking. she has to win something big. kim clijsters had (i wouldn't really mind if she hasn't, or didn't, she can do those splits), amelie mauresmo did, twice. ana's number one again now so this is just all blah. and this is all sexism.

faith

last night.it was the only olympics tennis match i watched, and federer lost. to james blake, who looks like a great person but is not an exceptional player. amazing forehand but cannot win big matches. first time james beat roger in nine (i think) attempts. three olympics! not a single medal in singles.

ironic - but this is good news! - that he wins his first (maybe only) medal in doubles. the federer-wawrinka team beat the bryans earlier today, giving roger his first (at least) silver medal. fun.

tonight. so in his third olympics he finally wins a gold medal. roger federer and stanislas wawrinka beat the bryans (those brothers!) yesterday and just a few minutes ago beat the swedish team to become doubles champions. roger lost the bronze medal in sydney and was beaten by tomáš berdych in athens. berdych is marat safin without a major.

doubles! isn't that amazing? he loses the world number one ranking on monday, but he shows them (them=not us who still believe) he's still king. one thing i never really understood about these stupid critics: they saw something/someone almost religious and dismissed everything when he started losing matches. die, you, you idiots. think happy thoughts. federer's an excellent doubles player. he and marat were partners before (i carefully chose those words, stupid fantasies). ready for the slams, roger?

notes to self

00:29. break. i've been writing (or editing, depends on the pov) this script for a work thing for an hour now. tour. some japanese big guys are coming and there's a presentation to be made, so. 31 slides and i'm only on the seventh or eighth. i need to finish everything by 2am, maybe 3.

i've no work tomorrow but after everything after 3am would be just plain crap. working and yawning are two things i cannot do together. i guess when you've worked in a company for a long time (relative to, i don't know. i just think it's long already) they start giving you more shit to do. which is both good and not good; like all things. fuck i sound like i should be getting more sleep. or reading more books.

no idea still what i'd like to do, i mean, i like the job and all. there are some problems, uglies, but then where there's people there's bound to be discomfort. or something worse. i wonder what people think of me. scared to know. do i have a five-year plan? sometimes i think i do (or have). but right now, i noticed that my goals are really not the type of goals one would expect from, well, anyone.

they're more: finish a paper by friday instead of have a degree in lit after two years. or submit the script tomorrow instead of be a boss five years from now. when is this forgivable and when is it just plain sloth? completely clueless. i have a thing to write. let's leave the personal trash for now. need to work.

01:37. second break. fuck. tv's fault. some et show on divas and movies. do i have a choice? i have to watch this. i really love diana ross and fuckyou i don't care. not the singer, actor, bitch. it's the celebrity diana ross i love. can i say fierce? ok, now start judging.

15:17. not a big fan of michael phelps but when i saw that swimming relay game whatever earlier i joined the two down, six more to go chorus. phelps was more cheerleader though; the hero was some lezak guy who beat the last french swimmer by a nanosecond. i may be exaggerating again but i seriously think that that was a nanosecond.

thanks to my generous company there's a free pool in the free condo where i could learn how to swim, if it isn't too late for that. tried swimming earlier today. it's not to late for anything. television and envy do that to people. we start having delusions.

concession

in two weeks rafael nadal takes the number one ranking from roger federer; this title, this thing, roger has held for two hundred weeks. i still care, still read tennis news and "commentaries", my silence on the topic is still a product of the nadal wimbledon victory. oh well, this i guess is moving on.

nadal is a worthy heir, he's been number two for a very long time too, and the oncourt demeanor we soon learned isn't arrogance. he's just that competitive. he wants to win everything and i that's good. this conversion of mine from total nadal hater (ahaha, jologs) to a bit of a fan happened with the ascent of novak djokovic. the serb's a promising player alright. he must earn the number one ranking though, if he really wants it. rafael nadal didn't give up. now it's his.

i still am your biggest fan, roger federer; i will cheer for you in the olympics and the us open.

deathly, definitely

is it freudian that my problems seem so shallow when i try to articulate them? i mean, they're really depressing and all but how do you say, i totally like this one person and unfortunately blah blah without sounding, one: shallow (there's a war in iraq and economic woes everywhere), and two: really kitschy (danielle steel, anyone? she's better, actually). see, i have to say freudian so even i won't judge myself (freudian because of those id crap, and how being noble is a myth).

freud. kitsch. "philosophy". i swear this is what my professor was talking about yesterday. some bad adjective mosaic. circles. fuck. if i can't organize even the icons on my work pc then no use trying to organize thoughts. or writing. i sometimes seriously want to be writing about real things. i'm always confined. i've created this place, or feeling, or setup. i want things to change but i haven't the patience. so, drama. sucks.