being and somethingness

i finally thought of one, call it talent. i do well when everything is decided for me; left alone, there's the problem. my mom and my sister and i were talking and mommy began telling lil sis to do this and do that (school-related stuff most of them): these were things she used to tell me before. although i was a mediocre student, i think i did well and beyond my mom's expectations: graduated on time and from a good university.

clueless comes close to a description of the present state of mind, and self, although it does not fully capture what's there. no one tells me to do things anymore! i envy friends who have clear i have to be this after blah years thoughts. can't even think of a decent goal for the next two years! my laptop crashed last week and like a student i called my mom and asked her if i could have another one. current job pays well but i always look forward to the next payday because a week after the previous one i start worrying about living for another week with whatever money's left in the atm. and there's never a single significant purchase! no travels to wherever, no plans even. wanted to make a list but too idle even for just that. where does it all go?

thought once that the diploma was a good place to start. again, did not work (the other meaning of the word was not planned but hey, it's there, so) for me. told myself i wanted a job in media, but only if the workplace was near where i live. did have that job, quit after a very short time. the postgrad thing was another attempt but i now think that there might be something to the basketball team-caf-boys story, that that might be, after all, the only motivation.

my present boss told me before that writing for an it company might not really be what i would want to do; that was quite true, but then what does that mean anyway - wanting to do something? what do i want really? someone answer the question for me, please, haha. try my best to be whatever you want me to be.